Santa Barbara, CA - A survey of 500 Proposition 8 protesters in California suggests that the majority of pro-same-sex marriage advocates were under the impression that the vote on proposition 8 was only a poll sponsored by the state. The apparent result of past court action in regard to overruling the vote of the people seems to have left a sizeable amount of people confused about the political process within the state.

"I've always thought that the courts made the laws in the state," groaned Sandra Neiberger, a protester and resident of Santa Barbara, "every time we had a 'vote' in the past the courts would strike down the so called 'will of the people.'  I just assumed that the whole voting thing was a just a nice way of letting people feel like they were making a difference.  I didn't think that it actually would affect the laws of the state!" 

Sandra was not alone in this belief. As the survey points out, about a third of polled protesters believed that the California state government consisted of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, and their celebrity spokesman Arnold Schwarzenegger. The mere mention of the legislature welcomed blank stares, the squish of saline drenched blinking, and the occasional line of saliva leaving the mouths of questioned activists.

Another find from the polling suggested that a majority of protesters believe that the Mormon and Catholic Church played a major role in the decision.  "It's not fair," cried Samuel Ebermen, another protester, "how can I trust a government that allows the stupid religious majority to makes laws that scholarly and wise judges can't change when it's for the good of the people?" When asked why he thought that those opposed to the measure were "stupid" he retorted, "because they are. What other proof do you need?  I also believe that these Church officials are hiding evidence of the Roswell Incident and the 9/11 inside job.  And I am pretty sure they are behind the disappearance of the Loch Ness Monster as well."

Hopefully, state legislators will make themselves more well-known to their constituents in order to relieve some of the misunderstandings plaguing the state.  Until then, the protests will rage on, and confusion will continue to fan the flames of activism.

Washington, DC -  President-Elect Barack Obama - the man many have begun to call "The world's President" - announced today that due to the global economic crisis, everyone will have to do their part to end the financial tailspin.  His revolutionary plan calls for the global community to pay their fair share in what he calls the "World Stimulus Tax."

"You've stood side-by-side with me during my election," said President-Elect Obama during a press conference addressing the world yesterday, "thousands of you even came to America to vote for me and I greatly appreciate that.  But now I am asking that you help me to help you. Next year, I will be calling on each and every one of you to make the financial sacrifice that America and the world needs.  That's why I will be instituting a 15% flat tax for non-American nations.  I am America's President, I am your President, and with your help we can turn this economy around."

Many Republicans have argued that this simply cannot be done, but those in favor of it say that just because it has never been done before doesn't mean that it is impossible.  "The difference is that Republicans are always focusing solely on America," explained Vice President-Elect Joseph Biden, "we've adopted a whole new strategy of world dictatorshi.... *ahem* world leadership.  The entire world voted for the President this election cycle.  Now it's time for the world to pay its fair share of the tax burden."

The President-Elect's plan has not been published as of yet, but is expected in the near future.  There have been no comments from foreign leaders regarding the issue, but judging from their extensive participation in the election, most will likely follow suit with the plan.

Cleveland, OH - Because of a recent media campaign blitz that has been set on on attacking Senator Barack Obama's "liberal" views on abortion and various other life issues, the Junior Senator from Illinois took the opportunity to clarify his position at a rally in Ohio last night.  Senator Obama asserted that life-issues were and integral part of his health care plan, and were necessary to ensure that all Americans had the opportunity to take advantage of medical care that enhances the quality of life.

"The right-wing media is busy trying accuse me of saying that I want to kill babies," said Senator Obama, looking over the crowd, "that simply is not the case, and my record proves that.  However, I believe that everyone should have the choice to leave their child in the hands of medical professionals should a procured abortion become unsuccessful or if they feel that they cannot bear the burden of responsibility of the child.  Likewise, medical professionals should have a choice of whether or not to care for that baby.  Sometimes caring for the child may not be the best medical option.  You see, John McCain wants to take away the freedom of choice from everyone seeking and practicing good health care!"

Pausing under the cheers of the crowd, Senator Obama continued, "Furthermore, should a person also have an elderly or mentally handicapped relative that is in need of decent medical care, I say that they should have the right to bring them in as well.  If doctors decide that the best solution is to neglect them until death so that their overall quality of life is better, then they should not have their professional medical opinions regulated by the Government."

The McCain camp argues that neglect constitutes a direct affront to life and the dignity of the human person.  Senator Obama, on the other hand, says that it is "simply compassionate health care" and "should not be confused with religious banter." Both camps seem to agree that this is an important issue this election cycle, and have sought to make both of their positions clear to the voters in battleground swing states.

On a final note, Senator Obama assured the crowd that his views do not contradict the foundational beliefs of this country.  Rather, they are simply a broader interpretation of what the founding fathers meant by life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. "Some people cannot be liberated or happy if their life is hindered by someone else.  We will change that in 2008, I promise you that!"

According to the historically accurate Agnus Daily Reader’s Poll, John McCain is likely to win approximately 69% of the popular vote this election year!  Out of 55 likely voters that visited the site, John McCain was able to gather a whopping 43 voters over to his side.  Barack Obama, on the other hand, was only able to garner 10% of the votes, tying the hero of the pot smoking populous, Ron Paul.

Below is a visual representation of the Agnus Daily Reader's poll:

 

In a surprising 4th place, 3.2 percent of voters sought to elect myself as the next President.  The odd thing is that I was not vying for the Presidency, nor did I campaign anywhere in the United States.  I would like to thank all of my supporters, and ask that they vote for John McCain rather than me since he is the most likely pro-life candidate to be elected this year.  Perhaps in the coming years I might try to run, but with my 20-years of experience as a journalist I suspect that I would be more effective as an arbiter of information.

Washington, D.C. - With the elections coming quickly, many Catholics are unsure as to who they should vote for.  On one side, conservative Catholics argue that Catholics are obliged not to vote for a candidate that holds a pro-choice stance.  On the other, you have more liberal Church members advocating that many of the so-called "life-issues" have gray areas and cannot be judged as an absolute that keeps you from voting for a liberal candidate.  On top of that, Church officials, while active in disseminating the Church's view of Catholics participating in the political process, often write letters  and guidelines that are far too complicated for the common voter.  However,  one Church official is seeking to solve this dilemma by sending a clear and unmistakable message to American voters this election year.

Archbishop Ronald Talinger, Chairman of Catholics for Ethics and Family, has created a guide that is aimed at reaching all Catholics, even those that are not necessarily devout.  "The Church does a great job of solidly stating their position," explained Archbishop Talinger, "but it does so in a way that not everyone can easily understand.  That's why the common Catholic needs something that speaks to them about how they are required, as Catholics, to vote this year."

What moved Reverend Talinger to create this guide was the creation of groups such as "Catholics for Obama," that claim you can be Catholic and still vote for a Pro-Choice candidate.  Reverend Talinger argues that this is not the case, and seeks to inform all Catholics that there are certain issues that are simply non-negotiable.  

Archbishop Talinger graciously gave us permission to publish and disseminate his guide, and hopes that all Catholics have a chance to read it prior to entering the ballot box.  "My aim is to reach every Catholic by the time they pull the lever," said Reverend Talinger.  

Below are images from Reverend Talinger's voter guide.  The voter guide is also available in PDF format.